When you have something to prove, you have everything to lose.
The Cosmic Conception Diaries: Part XVI
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Six years ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant.
As someone at the peak of her career and only newly moved in with her boyfriend of one and a half years, I was at the mercy of my Emotional Wave like a buoy stranded out at sea.
I had never before felt what it’s like to want something so badly and yet reject it so deeply as I did during those pivotal days following my discovery. I still remember the irony of sitting in an office the day after peeing in a cup at Planned Parenthood, designing a spread for luxury children’s clothes in a Bergdorf Goodman catalog, knowing that everything was about to change.
As soon as I decided to bring new life into this realm, I had unconsciously committed to proving something, anything actually, that could counter my perceived notions of pregnancy and Motherhood, all while coping (poorly) with the conditions of my inner realm.
I set out to prove that I would look pregnant, but still petite and not dumpy.
Prove that I didn’t need shabby, embarrassing maternity wear.
Prove that I could make Motherhood chic.
Prove that I wouldn’t get fat and lose “it”.
Prove that I could still party and be a fun Mom.
Prove that I could walk away from my career and not care in the least.
Prove that I was a moral person who could use her business to change the world.
Prove that even though everything was changing, nothing actually would.
Through this process, I facilitated inner conflicts that fragmented my sense of identity, inevitably weakening my auric field and rendering me susceptible to confusion, fear, external influence, and psychic attack.
As with most healing responses, the symptoms were at first minor and easy to cope with, not to mention familiar: a night out drinking too much, spells of vertigo, seasons of depression. But the unfolding of 2020 was territory I was in no way seasoned to navigate with any semblance of emotional sovereignty or clarity.
I spent the majority of those years in darkness, unable to connect with my own light, with my own magick, or with my new role as a Mother. I spent many nights sobbing over what once was, wishing I could go back, completely bewildered about how to go forward.
Things started looking up when I manifested my family’s relocation to New Hampshire back in March. I had unearthed some deeply rooted programs during that time but I knew there was more to uncover.
After a much needed integration period, I was ready to revisit the work in time for To Be Magnetic’s Summer Challenge. The program focused on overcoming our biggest block and I was determined to untangle the hidden reasons why financial lack and hardship had been such a prominent theme in my life for the past four years. I was tired of struggling, and with another conception on the horizon, I wanted desperately to experience abundance again.
To be honest, I expected seismic shifts after this challenge, and a manifestation on par with our off-grid cottage in the woods. Instead, the illusion I had upheld for my life completely dissolved before my eyes and I knew the only shift that was coming was one I had to facilitate entirely on my own.
This awakening came about through a series of journal prompts and self-hypnotic meditations (the primary tools of TBM), in which I was able to identify that my deepest limiting belief was not “nobody cares about me” as I had once thought, but was actually “I’m not good enough”. This might seem like a minor difference, but the identification was huge.
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I began to tug on all the threads of my various behaviors and choices, and on the triggers and emotional upsets that were the most prominent during the weeks of the challenge.
At its closing, I entered into a deep depression that I knew was simply a season of release and inner alchemy. I moved decades of grief through my body, articulating each wave to completion before letting it go. I grieved for my Sisterwounds and my Motherwound. I entered into the quantum field and healed the wounds of my birth story and the conditions of my infancy.
Through this process, I realized that so much of what my life had looked like since giving birth to my own daughter was unconsciously driven by the need to be good enough in one way or another.
This was directly reflected in Wild Willing Wisdom and the way I’ve pursued this path and that, bouncing between whatever I thought would “work” based on the authority of those outside of me.
I thought through the Summer Challenge I would manifest more clients or more followers or more money, but instead when I sat at my computer during my integration period I heard a very clear voice from within me say, “I shouldn’t be doing this.” I was shocked and fearful. All I know how to do is “keep trying” and now you want me to “give up”?
About a week later, laying in bed at night, I received more instructions: “You need to return your frequency to yourself.”
All the pieces began to fall into place. I felt the wounds of my most deep-seeded programs. I saw the truth of my Maiden to Motherhood transition. I understood the fears, desires, and self-sabotage behind my work with Women.
All along I’ve been on a mission to prove something, and in the end, I lost everything. I lost me.
And so begins the season of my return to Self, and an attunement to the frequency I’ve been searching for along—the one that is uniquely my own.
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